Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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