Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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