I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
