Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
