Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
please come you make the beer taste better
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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