i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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