If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Randomize