My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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