Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
