so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
