I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
