Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
