ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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