So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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