He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
