i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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