What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
