i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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