No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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