she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
