Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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