yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
