this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I came so hard my ears popped.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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