the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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