First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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