you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
