just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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