Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
