My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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