I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize