I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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