Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
