it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm too high and old for this...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
