my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
