32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
