I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
