things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
