the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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