so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
