I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Randomize