just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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