Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
