She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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