I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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