hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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