Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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