lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
