Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
