low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
