The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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