i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
