So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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