I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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