we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
